Wednesday, November 18, 2009

"Oh! J. Ashten Svenn" or "Ashton J. Svenn, eh?"

Allow me to preface this post with the fact that this analysis is not meant to be in any way offensive.  I have a lot of respect for both Steve Nash and Grant Hill.  They both are great basketball players and--as far as I can tell--men of great class.  Good luck this season, Suns!

Since being traded to Phoenix in 2004, Steven John Nash has averaged over ten assists per game, made over 90 percent of his free throws,and won the MVP award two years in a row.  Some speculate that his magical ability to find his teammates and get them the ball comes from his years of experience in soccer; Nash was amazed at what he was capable of doing with a ball when he was allowed to use his hands.  I submit, however, that Steve Nash's abilities are nothing less than an extension of his powers over dark magic.

At first glance, one may not see much of a resemblance to his alter-ego, the Dark Lord Voldemort from the beloved Harry Potter series.

Indeed, one may argue that Nash looks nothing like the fell Tom Riddle.  I mean look at the many differences in the above pictures.  Steve Nash has hair, and a nose, and a smile.  And Steve Nash has hair.

But let's take a closer look.  What if Steve Nash were to remove his long, greasy wig?  Do you think it is coincidence that Nash tries to hide his exposed melon when the cameras are around?

The truth is beginning to surface.  But many questions remain unanswered.  How long has Lord Voldemort been hiding out as a muggle NBA star?  Was he not killed by Harry Potter in the end of the seventh novel by J.K. Rowling?  Doesn't Steve Nash have a nose?

The convenient truth is that the Harry Potter books were written about ten years after the actual events were said to have taken place.  This means that the fall of Lord Voldemort probably happened around 1994 (three years before the first book was published, and also the first year that Nash was named West Coast Conference Player of the Year at Santa Clara).

In response to the second question, one must remember that what J.K. Rowling wrote was just a book, a nice story for children.  How would her stories have sounded if she had written the truth that Voldemort had escaped and was in hiding, waiting to regain his power once more?

As for the nose...although You-Know-Who did a fairly good job covering it up, I believe that the little mishap during the 2007 NBA playoffs speaks for itself.

Result:  Steve Nash is Lord Voldemort

If that weren't enough, take another look at who else is hiding out in the Phoenix Suns' starting lineup.

That's right.  Grant Hill is also not who he seems.  It turns out that the 15-year NBA veteran is little more than an amazonian lemur in disguise.

And if you're still not convinced, take a gander at this shot of Hill from college at Duke. 

This kind of resemblance is no coincidence.


  1. You are one goofy guy! Very humorous! And if Steve Nash really has a wig...he looks better bald!

  2. This might be my favorite thing ever.

  3. Austin my genius brother, you are pure genius! hahaha!